Yesterday I had a melt down. It was a long time coming. In fact, I had been waiting and hoping for it for weeks, like a great cleansing, a wave washing over me. It wasn't anything like it, just exhausting and snotty.
Earlier I had spent two hours with the orthopedic surgeon who will take over the recovery treatment now that I am back in the German health system. Everything looks as it should be, I am still walking with the moon boot, for another week when the screw inside my ankle joint will be removed. He had me walking a short distance without the boot and well, it's not what I call walking. Neither the foot nor the leg seem to be aware of what is required. Yet. All around me smiled reassuringly and there will be a physio plan and give it time and muscle building and more give it time and so on and I smiled too and then we had a coffee at the French place and when we got home, I started to sob like a baby for a good while.
I am all over the place with conflicting feelings. One the one hand, I want to concentrate on getting my mobility back, working hard at it with all that I can, while on the other hand, I want to lose myself in this summer, the colours, the sounds, the changes, so fast, so dramatic. No thinking, no pressure, no expectations. All that give it time stuff. How does it work?
The garden is a joy as always at this time of the year. I watch it from a shy distance, not able to pick the strawberries, harvest the sweet peas. This morning's gift, a first tender kohlrabi.
The best outcome so far has been the amount of reading I have done. Still do. Currently, I am racing through London Falling by Patrick Radden Keefe, as recommended by all everywhere.
Also, we are watching Legends on Netflix, hooked. I am a sucker for a good Liverpool accent anyday.
You really did bust up that ankle, didn't you? "Give it time." I'm sure you feel as if you have given it way too much time already. I have no idea how that works. Enforced patience. Not a happy thought.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't be very good in your position either. At all.
Codex Your conflicting reaction is normal. Simply put it sucks and you have to endure.
ReplyDeleteNo reason you can't start more than basic physio after the summer. Muscles waste but they also come back.
Give it time. Time is the best healer sadly. I'm glad you had a good cry and a meltdown. Well deserved. You've been through a lot in the last six months.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and love.
You’re quite a strong person, and will use the things you already know to deal with this recovery time…I’m sure! Yes, emotions do come and go. You’re human after all. Just wonder, do you like to swim? If that’s an option, it’s a summertime and therapeutic pursuit my friends like.
ReplyDeleteI have the deepest empathy for you and walking in the Moon Boot. Been there, they are awful, not really like walking. Like others here I can only say give it some time, it will get better.
ReplyDeleteAccording to wikipedia, Time (Chronos) "is usually portrayed as an old, callous man with a thick grey beard, personifying the destructive and stifling aspects of time." Time expects so much. Too much, but s/he is more powerful than us. We often find ourselves surrendering for "a time." Of course this will pass, but that doesn't make it easier to get through. Cry if you need to. Rage if you must. Just make "time" for moments of beauty and joy. Those moments are when "time" is newborn and filled with hope. Time in the moment is what will sustain you. "
ReplyDeleteThe photo of the kohlrabi is lovely. The composition is amazing. I keep scrolling up to look at it.
That's an evocative kohlrabi from your joy-bringing garden. Sending love during your healing time and always.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you have been through the wringer and brave and strong throughout. It's ok to have a meltdown, let all that fear and sorrow and anxiety and impatience out. Ugly but a necessary relief so you can return to being the determined strong person you are. Give it time, annoying to be told over and over and yet the bald truth.
ReplyDeleteThere's no reason why you can't work hard on your mobility and still lose yourself in the summer. Divide the day, morning for this, afternoon for that.
I grew kohlrabi once years ago. It was a new vegetable to me. And then it completely fell off my radar. I'll have to try it again for next year's spring garden.
I read "London Falling" in about two days -- couldn't put it down!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the pressure of all that you've been through has mounted over time and you needed to release it. I think Ellen's advice above makes sense -- combine enjoyment of summer with improving your mobility. Morning for this, afternoon for that, indeed.
A meltdown is understandable and good. Your mobility will come back. You are a determined sort. Breathe. Let the summer wash over you. It too is healing you.
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