15 March 2010

The dark grey winter

I am so tired of whining and feeling sorry for myself. I am so tired of this dark, grey winter drama, outside and inside of me. The weekend was hard with all this fear about what's going on with my heart. Watching and listening to my body is doing me harm. And now, mid afternoon, is often the hardest time of the day when I get all jiggery and I imagine it's because of the cortison getting low. But of course I don't know that. I just remember Dr.V-H in the clinic in M advising me to use the mornings for important things as I will be at my best then. "My best". Hah.
Mid afternoon is the time when the roaring gets so loud it scares me. I feel it wants to remind me of being ill. But also I notice clearly that the roaring gets louder and the pressure in my ears increases when I move, when there are sudden outside noises and after I have eaten.
GP K was his usual understanding pleasant self again and I felt such relief. Maybe because of what I said the last time about whether he wants to keep me as a patient. Anyway, he is looking into things cardiologically and we will meet again tomorrow. I also expressed my fear that I was heading into a psychosomatic tunnel and I told him that I want professional help if that's what is happening to me. And not the kind of "listen to this CD"-help Mrs S is offering in her beautifully furnished rooms and her expensive clothes and shoes. I don't think I want to go back to her. I feel as if I have looked under her covers.

Re psychosomatic: "...it's good to mull these things over [...] to lift the slimiest of rocks and see what's underneath." (Lia Mills, In your face)
Phoned Dr B this morning with the hospital results. She is so pragmatic and cheerful and even though K doesn't accept her suggestion (until double checked with an expert) to have yet another cardiologic test done, I value her time and her matter of fact professional assessment. Every time I speak to her my symptoms seem to fall into place ready to be looked after and sorted by the proper medication, time and patience, relaxation and recovery.
If only. There seems to be so much more involved that I have yet to grasp. Being alone so much of the time is the hardest but being in R's company was not much better the last two days.

The days are longer now, the promise of spring is there even with the rain and the grey skies. Sunny this morning in between. The heart has been calmer today so far. Still noisy when I breathe, also shaky and my steps echo inside my head. Tired. My big cat is getting so weak I think she is dying. We rest together on the sofa after she struggled onto my lap forwhat feels like ages of pulling herself up.

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