30 May 2010


It's like a curse. Whenever I have a good day or even a couple of goodish days there is a real crash like today.
The hardest thing about it is that during these couple of goodish days I cannot help but feel hopeful. When things are easier, when I can spend a part of my day actually moving about and doing trivial stuff like cooking dinner, sweeping the patio or even cycle around the block (not all in one day)- life becomes so utterly wonderful and easy and everybody is simply lovely and I can see and smell and cherish...
And then I battle through the night and get up with this roaring heavy head, my balance is out and I am shaking and shivering, nauseous and the thought that less than 24 hours ago I was out there smiling at life completely floors me.
So now my head is crowded with doubt and worry: Hasn't this happened before when drug no 1 was lowered to this level? Is drug no 2 ever going to work? What else is going on? Was I too active?
The worst is that no one, absolutely no one will be able to answer this. What have I done to get this crappy disease? Couldn't it be something a bit less systemic, a bit more specific?
Autoimmune disorders strike women three times more than men. Not fair! Not fair at all.

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