07 July 2010

most of the time

Most of the time now I feel calm. Really? Most of the time? It feels like it. I am calming myself, my environment calms me, the gorgeous summer, sitting in the garden reading, dozing, watching birds, playing with the cat, picking fruit. Later on a light lunch on the patio... the day meanders on.

Most of the time now I say to my body: OK, show me what you are up to, what you need, let me understand what's going on. It's your turn. I have racked my brain, worried and panicked through countless nights and days unable to sleep or eat. I give up. Or rather: I give in.

I've been thinking of the five stages of grief (K├╝bler-Ross) and it feels as if I have been going through the first four (denial, anger, bargaining and depression) all at the same time at full force. I am still lingering with anger and obviously lots of bargaining (like: as long as I don't lose my hearing and my eyesight, I'll suffer the vertigo and the roaring in my head, wait, no, take away the roaring as well please) but there is no 5 waiting for me (acceptance) and well, let's see.

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