02 August 2010

whining existentially

So where is the hardship?

I am unwell, most of the time. The drugs and the ever changing regimen - increase, slow phasing down, flare up and another increase - exhaust me. The symptoms make long stretches of any activity impossible. The last flare of vertigo behind me, I am now mostly sea sick and shaky. If I try to ignore it, I break out in sweats and nausea builds up rapidly. I can only function in short episodes and that in itself is awful. At times the debilitating and even fatal potential of this disease means I lose the ground beneath my feet for a bit. This is hard going as I am a very slow learner when it comes to being out of control. Usually, I rush into mindless distraction (i.e. online TV) for a while.
So, I do little and yet I am washed out at the end of each day.

And on and on and on...
I could describe my symptoms and my anger in more and more detail probably finding better and even clever words as I go along. So boring, so tiring, so useless.

Fact is

  • I can do this in the comfort of my home with pretty much all the mod cons that I need to get through the days and nights without too much struggle

  • doctors/physiotherapists etc. are a phone call/short trip away

  • I have decent health insurance - for the time being

  • the drugs I need are readily available

  • there is not much pain and I can sleep most nights

What's at the core here is that I am out of the picture, now that I cannot function in the usual 9-5 pattern I am not required, that with the loss of my job present inability to return to work pretty much all meaning seems to have gone out of my life. This is so ridiculous and yet it's a fact.

So I have signed up with a couple of volunteering projects and submitted one proposal for translation - occupational therapy really - and I made an appoinment with a legal advisor specialising in disability issues and reduced earning capacity.

I recognise that I need to be needed and that I need to look into this.

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