Sometimes I have glimpses of the woman I used to be. I usually avoid this. But I have gotten better. Not much, just that little bit. Because, you see, it gets all mixed up. The woman I used to be and the woman I always wanted to be and the woman I always thought I would become with age. There are a few coordinates, real things that have not become blown out of proportion by my memory or my self pity. These forces that have pushed and pulled me along my tracks: energy and curiosity. How easy it has been.
Last week I watched an old video from 1988. There we were, the sunshine people, laughing and running on the beach just before sunset. It's somewhere in my bones, deep down in my cellular memory, that effortless feeling of being healthy. How much I want to believe that.