28 December 2013

bring on the dancing horses

There is a message in my inbox inviting me to earn money with my blog. Oh dear, have things deteriorated that much? What has the world come to etc.

Indeed, it is grey, very grey. Looking outside you feel tempted to adjust the cable the way we sometimes have to with our old tv. Last night we watched a recent film by Neil Jordan and I kept on thinking, when did he start his b/w phase, and, it really can be dark and rainy in Castletownbere, (which is where the film was made) until R started jiggling with the plugs and hey presto, blue skies.

After a prolonged rest, aka Xmas holiday, I went to work again, pretending to be fit and healthy. I survived my obligatory four hours most efficiently, mainly thanks to the fact that hardly anybody was around apart from one research guy who - bless him - mentioned that I looked a bit pale. I tried to fob him off but maybe he had a momentous day of boredom or maybe his latest test series didn't come up with the proper results, anyway, in the end we played a quick game of doctor and patient and he suggested iron supplements. Sweet, eh? Being surrounded by medical research experts has its moments.

Back home I did the decent thing and retired to the horizontal position. That was my father's favourite phrase when he had to answer the phone to any of our friends who happened to call before we were up. In the dark days before cell phones.
The tiny voice somewhere in the back of my head persistently whispers that I am not well. Actually, its exact words are fucking unwell, but what's the difference. I have no idea what to do next and I honestly don't care at this moment in my fabulous life. With any luck, things will improve and if not, well then, they won't. 

This thing I posted yesterday - about everyone you meet fighting a battle you know nothing about - came from my daughter's fb page. It is beautiful and scary because now of course I am thinking what battles she is could possibly be fighting and there goes another quiet night. 

This is a sentence I have stored in a secret corner of my brain, from an interview with another medical expert: 
While modern medicine cannot cure your illness, understand that your most important human qualities - your personality, your feelings, your intellect, your memory, your ability to love and be loved - are not restricted by being ill, not now and not in future. 

Bring on the dancing horses, the skies are grey and wet.


  1. So much in this post resonates with me, dear Sabine. I am in pain much of the time, but I pretend I am not, I try to walk as if my left hip and leg are not imperiled, and often I make a good show of it, or tell myself I do. What else is there to do? We keep on keeping on. I am sorry you are feeling unwell. Pretending publicly has its merits, I think, but I am glad you listen to the voice that whispers and get horizontal once you get home. As for the post on your daughter's Facebook wall, I suspect it does not portend any battles she is facing. Rather it is the sort of quote that resonates with a person whose desire is to be kind. From what you have written of her, she is that, she is definitely that. But your sleepless night wondering? Well, I resonated with that, too. Hugs.

  2. Fucking life. It's beautiful, but it sure can be difficult. Kind thoughts going your way. And bring on the dancing horses.

  3. Sabine, thank you so much for stopping by the new dharma bums and leaving us a wonderful thoughtful enlightened comment. We appreciated it immensely.

    I am bookmarking your very lovely blog and plan to stop by to read all of your posts. I am sorry to read that you are not well, but glad to know of your sensible attitude about life, even though you are fucking unwell. I also love the quote about modern medicine. I will read that to my mom who had a stroke three weeks ago. It will be good for her to know this.