25 February 2015

letting things fall apart, letting the world come as it is 
Pema Chödrön

Cycling for 40 mins home in the dark, first the forest, no moon, not a sound, just heavy rain, then down the hill and into the city, icy drops on my face and the obnoxious swishing noises from my not-anymore-waterproof gear, the drivers who come too close in their fat cars, who forget to indicate, who try and push me off the road. Note: try, not succeed because I roar at them, cursing and hissing I move through the evening traffic. At home I peel off the muddy layers trying to find my solid self underneath and fail, shaking and weeping and tired, my gums shot to pieces, at least I hope it's just the gums - she said to wait for it to calm down, maybe a week. If not, we'll try and save that tooth, promise, she said. Don't ask me how I slept, don't ask about the gastritis pains at 4 am. At least I got to hear the blackbirds before sunrise. My sister calls to discuss possible procedures re our father. Wishful thinking. I want to put down the phone. We cannot lock him in, he is convinced he does not have osteoporosis. Yesterday, he said to me, sod the tests, ignorant young doctors, what do they know.

Most of all, I want to be rid of that tooth ache or whatever it is. As for the rest, I can handle it. I think. Maybe.


Ms. Moon said...

Any pain in the head is impossible to ignore.
Oh, dear strong woman! I want some peace for you. Some comfort!

am said...

Sending love to you, Sabine, and this kind song that came to mind when I liked to Coldplay:


Letting go and letting go. Yes, it is that time of year when the birds sing before dawn.

JO said...

Toothache takes over the world - I so hope your dentist does the necessary, and quickly!

L."Wren" Vandever said...

Toothacge pain is singular and miserable,and I'm so sorry you've been going through this. Belated wishes for relief and recovery, Sabine.

Oh, how I miss the pre-dawn blackbirds. They're one of my most treasured memories of my years in Germany. Yes, at least you heard them.