Occasionally, not often, moments of clarity when it all makes sense. Not beautiful sense, no eureka moment, just a clicking into place, the voices in my head briefly full of meaning, forcing me to stop for an instance, facing what I am running away from most of the time. I still do, I should know it better by now, but who am I to fool. Every morning a short period of blissful nothingness where I am just me, or what I like to think is me. Before reality wakes me up.
It's nothing dramatic. I can handle it. I am fine. But I wonder when did it start that I took my life for granted, with all the safe comforts that have crept up on us over the years. There was always ambition, curiosity, energy. Stuff I wanted to do, see, influence, change. Endless.
I was ambitious and I was busy. Things were going on, I was always making plans, small projects, travel, visits, ideas, work.
It feels like another lifetime now. I was another person who felt this strong conviction of being a maker, a doer, someone who could influence and achieve simply because I wanted to.
Whereas now. Constantly having to remind myself of this. Over and over and over.
By hard work I cannot make it happen, by being good I cannot make it happen, by self-sacrifice I cannot make it happen, by being clever I cannot make it happen, by being more creative I cannot make it happen. My previous ambitions, reliant on skill and will, are rendered mute, inert, of no interest.Marion Coutts (The Iceberg)
By no effort or will can I change the terms. All I can do is change the approach.
All we can do is change the approach. I know that to be true. I've put that book on hold at our public library. I'm 4th in line.
ReplyDelete15th in line. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
ReplyDeleteSurely the 'short period of blissful nothingness' is more the reality than what follows, which is mostly blind reactivity (well, it is if you're like me anyway).
ReplyDelete