20 May 2017

basically, it's a gamble

Things are falling apart around me, on sick leave since forever.  I think I need a plan.
As a start, I need to remember what day of the week it is and also, the actual date, the month, what season and what the next meal will be.
Next, I must put that phone call out of my mind, the one where my boss (the much lauded super important research scientist) told me yesterday that - as I am obviously neither getting any better nor any younger - he has started not only to advertise my position but to interview my prospective replacements.
I also need to laugh about the email from his secretary, the one where she invites me to attend the first interview on Monday at 9 am.

I have never wasted much time thinking of what my life would be 'later' when I am no longer working, when we're old. Not in any detail. Of course, there were the wild dreams of travel, years of travel, working odd jobs along the way, visiting places, people, ideas, getting wiser, more grey hair and maybe having slightly less energy, becoming more modest in our physical adventures. Stuff like that. Airy fairy stuff.
Whatever. But my health, I took for granted. Never wasted a thought on it.

But none of that really matters.
Early this morning I sat on the floor in a corner of our bedroom, blowing my nose after a spell of furious sobbing and kicking and hissing at life in general and me in particular when R opened the window wide and said, oh look, blue sky.
That's when I ran out of excuses. And the day has been quite lovely so far.

There have been many days like this one in recent years, reminding me that basically, I can be a positive confident person and that there is no place in my life - tough as it is at times - to be upset about losing my job and worrying about reduced financial means or moaning over someone's outrageous attitude to my illness and all that shit.
I still love a good cry, though.


  1. Wow. I haven't heard that song in forever. Thank you for reminding me not only of that but of the entire album which I used to listen to endlessly.
    The news about your job truly sucks. Is it time to reframe the idea of not working? Maybe? Hell, I don't know. I think with your skills you could probably do free lancing from home. Is that an option?
    By the way, I never know what the date is either and sometimes when I wake up, I have no idea what season it is. I am more reliable about what dinner will be.

  2. "...all that shit," sums it up. I am blown away by your resilience and attitude. A blue sky can do that, and so can a good cry. You are tough, my friend. In the face of all you've been through, you are so incredibly strong.

  3. I love Neil Young. He's the background to my youth. "Cripple" Creak...had to smile at that one. You are a good sport.

    Damn that boss man, I really didn't expect that to happen. A good cry sounds perfectly in order, although a martini following would be my way of capping off the day with a bit of eye rolling insouciance.

  4. Sometimes, if we can only hang onto the nanoseconds of blue sky, life doesn't feel so bleak. (And at other times, it's fine to rage and wail!)

  5. Talk about kicking someone when they are down! I trust in you to reinvent yourself, though. Just like there was life after kids, there is life after work. Or there is different work. I'm so sorry that leaving this job wasn't your idea. That always complicates things. And WHY would they think you'd want to come in for the interview? I hope they don't assume you'll be willing to help with that.

  6. A good cry, blue sky and some of that old time music. Good medicine. I thought of you today when a friend and I drove to the closest thing we have to the ocean -- a hour south of here -- part of the Salish Sea. Salt water, naturally sandy, the small waves make just the right sound, and there is a place on the horizon when the water meets the sky instead of land or islands. "Sabine would like this place," is what I said to myself.

  7. A good cry can be very useful in getting over the hump and able to appreciate the blue sky. That sucks about your job, but maybe you can write your life story now. I would love to read your memoir. Do you still ride your bike? If you have that, you have the world. Cry, rage, write, ride. Do it all. You are gifted and good and loved. Hugs, dear friend.

  8. O blue sky. Because sometimes it all sucks. Gratitude, mercy, kindness. After months of cold and rain and gray, blue sky for two whole days. Grateful.


  9. I'm so sorry about the job. Like Ms. Moon, I wonder if some kind of work-from-home would be an option? Sometimes reinvention is forced upon us. At any rate, give yourself time to adjust and keep gazing at that sky.

  10. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. You are wonderful!

    I should add that I am employed by German civil service and while my boss would very much like to, he cannot just fire me.
    Yes, he can make my life difficult, he can be rude and mean and insinuating but in the end his and my salary are paid by the state and while he earns a whole lot more than I do, we are both protected by rigorous legal regulations. I can still be made redundant for being sick but it's a lengthy assessment process and I will not do anything to shorten it.

    But I am aware myself that I need think about early retirement and it's starting to look more appealing by the day. My pension will be shit. But I have been working freelance for quite some time as well. So there's that.

    My colleagues meanwhile have all begged me to stay on.