I have already lost touch with a couple of people I used to be.
Joan Didion
There was a call earlier from the medical officer at work and I got that flu vaccine today. Finally.
Last week, I had another immunologist appointment with the new one, the one I don't see eye to eye and yes, surprise, she changed everything around again. My meds have been rearranged and I am scared resigned. On my way out she tried to explain all about the new boss and the latest guidelines and reviewed consensus and how she would be more cautious if only and in view of . . . and I was so confused that I tripped over my scarf and she caught me just in time and I hissed in her face that I wish I didn't have to step into a doctor's office ever again and I could see the hurt in her face but all I could think was, serves you right, and walked away. And now I wake up in the early morning wondering if I should apologise or maybe not or send her a card or maybe not and then the blackbirds start with their mating song and all is well for a while.
I am such a bitch if only I let myself. My mother should be so proud of me if she is watching.
In the situation you described, Sabine, I would do the same. I can be fierce if it is called for. I live for the moments when all is well.
Thank you for the introduction to AnnenMayKantereit. When I heard the lead singer's voice, he had my full attention instantly. Only a few times in my life has that happened. I listened to several more of their songs and then found this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nnlq7c9sVw0
The lead singer reminds me of my R as a young man. R's mother's mother was born in Ostersode.
That version of Forever Young is very popular here not just because of the contrast of ages but the older lead singer is a welln known artist and activist (Wolfgang Niedecken), he sings in Kölsch, the local dialect. He has done many Kölsch dialect cover versions of Dylan songs and I believe has met Dylan several times.
I would have done the same thing. Anger/frustration/fear can evoke some powerful responses. I imagine she knows where your anger comes from. However, I think an apology of some sort would lighten up both your lives.
ah, well, aren't we all when the occasion calls for it. you could apologise at your next appointment but surely she would understand your position and frustration.
She called me this morning very early - one week later - and aplolgised for being harsh, incl. lots of reasons why she is. I almost had to calm her down.
What you wrote brings out the feelings I have had a being at the mercy of others for something so integral to, if not survival, at least bearable living. It hard not to be angry when one can't tell up from down or when it seems they are just practicing have the right answer. I am so sorry.
Doctors and nurses often see people at their worst. I try not to take things personally and I'm usually successful. I would be frustrated too, having things changed because......... A doctor's opinion is just that, an opinion. There is a saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and nobody thinks theirs stinks." Doctors have well educated, knowledgeable opinions, but it is still an opinion.
I like that young man's voice. He has the voice of an old man. It's quite the contrast.
I wish I had words of wisdom to share here. I don't. I often wonder if I should apologize for something I've said or done. I think about it for days, and then I forget. I guess the best thing would be to listen to what your heart says.
I imagine it's not the first time that doctor has encountered anger or frustration in a patient. I think it's just part of the job. Having said that, if you feel an apology is needed and it nags at you, by all means, do it -- it could only help your relationship and she would certainly appreciate it. As Robin said, listen to your heart!
Your role at the doctor's is that of patient. You didn't choose it, it was thrust upon you. Patients, by definition, suffer; they are rarely at their best; often they have undergone personality changes. Doctors deal with patients, it's their milieu; they don't necesarily practice sympathy but they do - or should - practice curiosity. It's the first stage in any treatment. Part of their training is to ignore untoward behaviour in a patient (eg, involuntary lashing out when a medical examination results in accidental pain). Your reaction would - by any properly trained doctor - be regarded as all in a day's work. Forget it. In any case you may have imagined the "hurt" you say you saw; not surprising, you weren't at your best.
Thank you! I hate being a patient. I don't think this will change ever.
Since I deal with medical people all day, albeit when they don their research hats and actually need me to get their findings into a written shape for peer review and publication, I have every reason to feel pity for them. They concentrated on science in school and probably never read anything not remotely related to their work, and it shows. I learned early on never to mark my changes (sorry: suggestions!) in red in a word document as most of them break out in a rash and may have nightmares of long past school days. I use a pale green and my comments are sweet as sugar. Anyway, I do know they are humans but different humans, those with a degree in medicine.
So is getting a different immunologist an option or are you stuck with the one you don't like? That's hard. I ran from my first oncologist and was glad I did. Considering changing primary care docs as well.
Wasn't expecting that voice from that kid in the video! Wow!
Immunologists are few and far between esp. when the diagnosis is a rare disease. They all follow the guidelines of their expert societies and their consensus findings. But guidelines are just that, guidelines and not every patient fits under the bell curve of what the statitics show. In my case, the immunologist is careful and sees the patient but her boss is a guideline freak and I am in between.
Well, you know how I feel about doctors and the medical world. I hate most that you tripped and she had to catch you. I'm glad you hissed, and I absolutely don't think you owe her any kind of apology. Being fierce is -- sometimes -- all you've got. Be fierce. Like the incredible voice of that kid in the music video. I love it.
When I'm the clinician, folks will hiss at me sometimes. They don't feel good, they're frustrated, they had a fight with someone at home. And sometimes I'm being a shit, or I'm in a hurry or....You have every right to say what you did. No apologies necessary.
It does my heart good to know that your doctor called to apologize to you. We need to be fierce and true when a situation calls for that. It is so tempting to apologize for being fierce and true, when the apology is not ours to make.
In the situation you described, Sabine, I would do the same. I can be fierce if it is called for. I live for the moments when all is well.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the introduction to AnnenMayKantereit. When I heard the lead singer's voice, he had my full attention instantly. Only a few times in my life has that happened. I listened to several more of their songs and then found this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nnlq7c9sVw0
The lead singer reminds me of my R as a young man. R's mother's mother was born in Ostersode.
That version of Forever Young is very popular here not just because of the contrast of ages but the older lead singer is a welln known artist and activist (Wolfgang Niedecken), he sings in Kölsch, the local dialect. He has done many Kölsch dialect cover versions of Dylan songs and I believe has met Dylan several times.
Deletehttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolfgang_Niedecken
If that doctor has a shred of empathy in her bones she will understand.
ReplyDeleteI found out that she does indeed have that shred.
DeleteI would have done the same thing. Anger/frustration/fear can evoke some powerful responses. I imagine she knows where your anger comes from. However, I think an apology of some sort would lighten up both your lives.
ReplyDeleteWould you believe it, she called me and apologised.
DeleteThat makes me SO happy.
Deleteah, well, aren't we all when the occasion calls for it. you could apologise at your next appointment but surely she would understand your position and frustration.
ReplyDeleteShe called me this morning very early - one week later - and aplolgised for being harsh, incl. lots of reasons why she is. I almost had to calm her down.
DeleteIt was so good to read this and gives me hope.
DeleteWhat you wrote brings out the feelings I have had a being at the mercy of others for something so integral to, if not survival, at least bearable living. It hard not to be angry when one can't tell up from down or when it seems they are just practicing have the right answer. I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOn a brighter note, great music.
I work with doctors on a different level (I edit their papers) and really, many of them are just as timid and lost as we all are.
DeleteDoctors and nurses often see people at their worst. I try not to take things personally and I'm usually successful. I would be frustrated too, having things changed because......... A doctor's opinion is just that, an opinion. There is a saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and nobody thinks theirs stinks." Doctors have well educated, knowledgeable opinions, but it is still an opinion.
ReplyDeleteI like that young man's voice. He has the voice of an old man. It's quite the contrast.
Thank you for the asshole metaphor. It helps.
DeleteI wish I had words of wisdom to share here. I don't. I often wonder if I should apologize for something I've said or done. I think about it for days, and then I forget. I guess the best thing would be to listen to what your heart says.
ReplyDeleteYou know these situations where you wish you'd listened to your heart instead of being so impulsive? I step into them all the time.
DeleteI imagine it's not the first time that doctor has encountered anger or frustration in a patient. I think it's just part of the job. Having said that, if you feel an apology is needed and it nags at you, by all means, do it -- it could only help your relationship and she would certainly appreciate it. As Robin said, listen to your heart!
ReplyDeleteYour role at the doctor's is that of patient. You didn't choose it, it was thrust upon you. Patients, by definition, suffer; they are rarely at their best; often they have undergone personality changes. Doctors deal with patients, it's their milieu; they don't necesarily practice sympathy but they do - or should - practice curiosity. It's the first stage in any treatment. Part of their training is to ignore untoward behaviour in a patient (eg, involuntary lashing out when a medical examination results in accidental pain). Your reaction would - by any properly trained doctor - be regarded as all in a day's work. Forget it. In any case you may have imagined the "hurt" you say you saw; not surprising, you weren't at your best.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI hate being a patient. I don't think this will change ever.
Since I deal with medical people all day, albeit when they don their research hats and actually need me to get their findings into a written shape for peer review and publication, I have every reason to feel pity for them. They concentrated on science in school and probably never read anything not remotely related to their work, and it shows. I learned early on never to mark my changes (sorry: suggestions!) in red in a word document as most of them break out in a rash and may have nightmares of long past school days. I use a pale green and my comments are sweet as sugar.
Anyway, I do know they are humans but different humans, those with a degree in medicine.
So is getting a different immunologist an option or are you stuck with the one you don't like? That's hard. I ran from my first oncologist and was glad I did. Considering changing primary care docs as well.
ReplyDeleteWasn't expecting that voice from that kid in the video! Wow!
Immunologists are few and far between esp. when the diagnosis is a rare disease. They all follow the guidelines of their expert societies and their consensus findings. But guidelines are just that, guidelines and not every patient fits under the bell curve of what the statitics show. In my case, the immunologist is careful and sees the patient but her boss is a guideline freak and I am in between.
DeleteWell, you know how I feel about doctors and the medical world. I hate most that you tripped and she had to catch you. I'm glad you hissed, and I absolutely don't think you owe her any kind of apology. Being fierce is -- sometimes -- all you've got. Be fierce. Like the incredible voice of that kid in the music video. I love it.
ReplyDeleteThank you! She apologise to me, totally unexpected but uplifting.
DeleteI am glad she apologized to you. It means she has some insight into the dynamic at least. I hope the new meds are working out.
ReplyDeleteWhen I'm the clinician, folks will hiss at me sometimes. They don't feel good, they're frustrated, they had a fight with someone at home. And sometimes I'm being a shit, or I'm in a hurry or....You have every right to say what you did. No apologies necessary.
ReplyDeleteXXXX Beth
It does my heart good to know that your doctor called to apologize to you. We need to be fierce and true when a situation calls for that. It is so tempting to apologize for being fierce and true, when the apology is not ours to make.
ReplyDelete