27 December 2019


This is a tough time for reasons I am trying to figure out.

Of course, the usual:
When I wake up, in those first few moments, I feel like myself. My healthy self and then during the next couple of minutes, it doesn't take long these days, I am swiftly waking into the boring unhealthy chronically ill self that I have become. The person who on good days may hope to reach 80% of her former levels of whatever. Eighty percent, in the words of the immunologist (the one I didn't see eye to eye but apparently, she requested to have me back on her list as the young and sprighty one with the argyle socks had overlooked something or other bus shh, don't tell). Eighty percent is all you can hope for, and that only occasionally, she said sternly. Manage it carefully, don't overdo it and don't expect more.
Ah yes, she has a way with words. I had forgotten.

Yesterday, I was so tired and it was such a struggle to pretend mixing a salad eating dinner stacking the dishes and getting into bed, I almost cried. Or actually, I did. In bed I started to read a novel of calm sentences and I felt that this may do for a while.
For a while it did the trick. Ah yes, novels. I had forgotten.

Also, tomorrow we have to drive for a couple of hourse to meet the family. I am supposedly going to be hunky dory because my father has booked me into a hotel "to have a little rest" before the party. I shall give it all of my 80%. Rest included.

Also, music on a Friday (as always a big hello and thank you Robin for the idea).
Maybe I am going to do this alphabetically, let's see how far I get.

A is for Ane Brun who first appeared on our horizon about 15 years ago.


Sandra said...

So sorry. I wish you the very best.

Tara said...

I recommend books by (my friend) Toni Bernhard. She contracted some mystery disease in 2001 while on a trip to Paris. Her energy is quite limited and had to retire as the Dean of a law school because of it. Her perspective incorporates a lot of Buddhist thought. Her words have helped me cope with my limitations.

Love this song, thank you!

am said...

Hope that the journey with R tomorrow has restful elements for you.

Thank you for Ane Brun. I like your alphabet idea.

Nothing takes my mind off of my own illnesses and turmoil like a good novel. Good music can do that.

Something that needs to be released is released when we cry. I know of no other way.

Linda said...

How disheartening to be told 80% and to feel so lousy. Im so sorry.

Wishing you safe travels and strength.

Anonymous said...

I hope your travels are good for you in every way and that you enjoy all the moments. Thank you for posting such a good song. I love hearing new music. Take care there, Sabine.

ellen abbott said...

well, that just sucks. 80%. but best be told the hard truth methinks. could be worse. could be 75% or 60%. I seem to have suddenly lost a percentage of strength this year. maybe not suddenly but I have noticed it is difficult to do some of the things I never thought about before. aging I guess. I'll be 70 in 2020.

Dale said...

I usually read silently, but that's because so often what you write makes me think -- "wait, I have to think about this." I value the space you mark out with words very highly: I don't say that often enough, or even leave a mark that I'm reading often enough -- but I'm a devoted & grateful reader. ... this by way of saying, at 80% you shine more brightly than most people at 100%.

My life so far said...

80% and that only occasionally?

My girlfriend has cancer, multiple myeloma. There is no cure for it, only treatment. Her oncologist told her she probably had ten years, which didn't sound so bad until she thought about it and then she realized, hey, I'm sixty, ten years doesn't take me very far.

80% doesn't sound bad until you start thinking about it. Only clean 80% of the house, do 80% of the dishes? 80% of the laundry? It's more than what it sounds like.

It must be so difficult, not just for you but for your family as well. I hope the family visit with your dad goes well. Take care of yourself.

Colette said...

I hope you had a lovely visit with your family and were able to give them your best 80%. Most of all, I hope they deserved that 80% and appreciated your efforts. Do they realize what a treasure you are?