|the walnut tree farm early Nov|
Me: Sometimes, not all the time, and only some days, not every day, don't get me wrong, I have these new symptoms, nothing dramatic, just odd really, not painful, but well you know I wonder, could this be a side effect of this new drug regimen? I've read . . . -
Expert A: Don't read stuff on the internet. No, no, the symptoms would be so much stronger and anyway, it's extremely rare to have these side effects. Don't worry.
My inner voice: Here we go again, extremely rare. Could not happen twice, surely. Keep calm and carry on.
Me: Well, these symptoms are still with me and you know, should I . . .
new GP: This is outside my skill set, why don't you see expert B and expert C. Can you organise this yourself?
My inner voice: Who is she? Why do I come here? She's meant to be my GP for crying out loud.
Me: Thank you, you are so helpful, of course I can check this out by myself. (goes home, makes phone calls in best voice, minimal whining, almost no threats used, listens to some very poor choices of hold on music, eventually celebrates successful appointment schedules)
MRI 1 and 2, blood tests 1 - 25.
Expert B: Nah, nothing here, you are good. Whatever the cause of your symptoms, it's not from what I see here. Surgery is definitely not required.
Me: Yippieh, thanks, can I hug you? Sorry, no, covid, I understand.
Expert C: OK, so this looks all OK - oopps what a minute, what's this here . . .
Life goes on, as we all well know. I am still in limbo, waiting for more results. Good days and every so often not so good days. But I am spending lots of time in some very impressive waiting rooms, furniture wise, and also, some good art work but occasionally disappointingly repetitive.
Cycling in the freezing cold wind along the river helps to offset it all. Also reading. Mostly, however, watching Scandinavian thrillers online. Hiding from what will come next.
Our happiness is deep-rooted and real; while our despair is shallow-rooted and unreal, born of delusion and ignorance. We suffer because we overlook the fact that we are all right.