This is the shape of things to date.
There is a new rash of sores inside my mouth due to the immune suppressing medication, something I have experienced on and off for years. I am used to it, my tongue counts the spots.
We haven't seen much real sunshine for weeks and all the trees and hedges are now bare but early this morning, before 5 am, I heard birdsong. Not a dawn chorus yet, more like a conversation between two or three birds. I was too sleepy to use the app on the phone that identifies bird song.
Most of the days, I am bloated and carry my swollen abdomen almost like a pregnant belly. At times, the corresponding pain can feel like labour, lasting hours. After so many months of this, I am used to it and ride it out. I carefully time my food intake, cut out almost all food groups that seem to have a negative effect, but it really makes no difference and so I wait for the final diagnostic step, scheduled in four weeks, to confirm what will most likely result in surgery. I like to think that I am at ease with this, see it as a problem that has a solution, but who am I kidding.
A while back, I told R that I will not cook any more dinners or lunches until this has been sorted. I have little appetite anyway, breakfast is the best meal, but even the lightest of lunches can make it all go downhill. Thankfully, I am happy with porridge and semolina gruel and rusks dipped in tea and such like. The Irish travel writer Dervla Murphy lived all her live on one meal a day - breakfast - and a few beers in the evening. I'm not doing the beer thing but other than that, I am functioning surprisingly well. I decided a while back that having a bloated colicky abdomen will not stop me from walking and cycling and shopping, cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry and so on. It's somewhat restricting social involvement but I am still confident that things can only get better.
I am still waiting on my pension. Whoever said that German bureaucracy was reliable and that Germans are always on time. Could we meet?
This evening, we wanted to join the good neighbours of this suburb by standing around an open fire, singing seasonal songs and sharing a hot beverage afterwards. Instead I hung onto a door frame breathing into my abdomen as if I was in the later stages of childbirth while R rubbed my back. Eventually, things started to shift and I got a good cup of tea. Then we watched cooking shows on social media. The best is this guy here, karadenizli.maceraci, which translates to Black Sea Adventurer. In my opinion, the best cook around, simply for effects, not that I would or could eat most of his food right now.
"... but I am still confident that things can only get better."
ReplyDeleteYes. "Live all you can: It’s a mistake not to." One day at a time. Sending love always.
The pain you're describing sounds unbearable and yet- you do bear it. I swear- I do not know how. I am so sorry you have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteThat is an interesting take on campfire cooking. Pretty darn sophisticated! I wonder how long it took to make that film? How many attempts at making everything look so perfect?
I want to ask why the final test is still four weeks away. Bloating and abdominal pain are not good things, nor would they be easy to live with. Sending hugs and love, I'm sorry I can't take away the pain.
ReplyDeleteThis is long standing health issue that has been getting worse in the last year or so. The cause and the treatment seem apparent by now. It's not immediately a threat but there needs to be a so-called dynamic MRI to confirm and I was given the option to either go as an inpatient now for 3-5 days including colonoscopy or wait for a slot as an outpatient. It's all to do with medical guidelines and insurance protocol but since I've also been advised to avoid hospital if possible in general due to the risks of infections, I decided to grin and bear this a bit longer and only have the colonoscopy if the MRI shows that it's necessary.
DeleteDave is having similar colonic issues, at least based on your description -- his of course is due to Crohn's, or some related problem. He's tired and hurting. It's a miserable experience.
ReplyDeleteabdominal pain is the worst. what kind of surgery are you facing? my son had to have emergency surgery for an intussusception, when the small intestine got sucked into the large intestine, when he was 9 months old. the thing that impressed me the most about that video is the knife.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you missed the neighborhood party, sorrier still that you suffer such pain.
ReplyDeleteAfter my three recent surgical events I wondered how far I might go with the gory details. On reflection I'm grateful for my self-imposed limit of 300 words per post because it forced me to identify what was important and what not. However your ability to examine yourself with an unflinching and objective eye (and record what you see) fills me with admiration. It's one way of driving out any tendency towards self-pity. - a very small inclination in your case, anyway.
ReplyDeleteOne new Tone Deaf reader (rare in all conscience) has told me my comments are too long. It's conceivable she may be joking though she doesn't seem to go in for jocularity. My admiration (see above) knows no bounds but I'll stop now. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings...
No limits to comments here. Bring it on.
Delete