small talk about the weather

 

things have grown

Before reaching a decision in favour of surgical removal of a gallbladder with neither acute inflammation nor stone formation, the gods have placed another MRI as well as more lab tests and outpatient appointments. In other words, still more waiting. 

When I mentioned that this will cost me at least another kilo in weight loss, the medical expert's eyebrows twitched slightly and he added the word "urgent" to the MRI request. On a scale from one to ten, how is the pain during a colicky period, he asked. Like the final hours in childbirth, I replied and his facial expression flinched slightly. Have you tried painkillers, he asked next. I gave him my most hollow laugh and explained how I alternate between hot showers, distraction and gravity (aka letting my body hang from the nearest doorframe) and he shook his head with a couple of tsks. Look, he eventually said, I am with you, most likely this is a partial torsion of your gallbladder with diffusely thickened wall and pericholecystic fluid built up but we need to see it before we believe it. 

Because where would we be if we remove an unnecessary organ without following the guidelines simply because it could result in a favourable result? Insurance pays you more the more procedures you impose, I added under my breath. 

But reader, I remained polite to the end and only cried when I was back where I had locked my bicycle. Also, I kicked the bike stand hard and shouted swear words. But lucky for me and the world, on the way home, cycling through the lushest of forests, I remembered that distance is the prerequisite for all perception and I turned my mind to better and more delightful issues.

it's the year of the potted potatoe varieties

In fact, I have recently taken a liking to short, not too in-depth conversations about the weather, mainly because of the progressively more worrying state of the world but also because I need to avoid thinking about health and weight loss all the fucking time.

Hence, weather, temperature, wind, lack of rain, and before you know it, birds, insects, pests, weeds, no wait, blossoms, fruit, berries, roots, back to temperature, lack of rain, roots again, this time tree roots, water, watering. watching, digging, soil, dirty fingernails.

Is watching the weather, the garden a way to shut myself off from world events and health issues or is it actually a means of remaining alert, wide awake even in view of what is at stake, but nevertheless also a concern about my own well-being. What use is it if everyone collectively falls into depression?

On top of it, I seem to have developed an almost obsessive devotion to birds. The app that recognise bird calls explains that what some think is a blackbird is actually a blackcap and I feel like a good schoolgirl for having recognised this. And almost 25 years after her death, I still believe that my mother visits me in the disguise of a bird.

I find nothing nicer than being able to sit outside on the patio late at night without a jacket, but there are now days and nights every spring that are so warm that they make you feel melancholy, for lack of another more positive word. At least I do.

I have a brother with extensive climate and weather knowledge, I have a nephew who works on research vessels on far away oceans. The smallest bit of small talk with either of them could send anybody with a spark of a mind into a dark place of despair  feeling melancholy.

But every time I cycle through this forest and every morning when I look up at the sky scrutinisingly, I have to admit that checking the weather and the tree tunnels of a thick forest, relaxes me inwardly. My breath deepens, my pulse slows down, the evil noise of the world falls silent. 

 

 

fast moving sloth

 

 

current scenario upon opening of the patio door

Another couple of quotes I had saved ages ago and which pop up now that I am killing time while waiting, still waiting for the phone call from the surgery department. Instead my lovely GP calls to cheer me on.

It has been heartening to read your comments to the chocolate quote. I could respond and write about the cardiovascular and gastrological health benefits of chocolate, especially dark chocolate (numerous, well researched, click here to read about it) and in particular, the beneficial effects of chocolate on mental health because chocolate contains endorphins, which are the little cousins of magic mushrooms.

But I could also dwell on the fact (FACT) that due to climate change, we are fast approaching a chocolate crisis which is a double sided hardship because not only will the price of cocoa rise exponentially, making chocolate a very expensive and rare luxury before we know it, the people depending on growing and selling cocoa beans are already beginning to suffer greatly as rising temperatures and erratic rainfall dramatically hammer cocoa harvests. So, get it while you can (afford it).

 

Naivety is one thing, ignoring the incontinent elephant in the corner of your living room is quite another.

source unknown  

What you people call collapse means living in the same conditions as the people who grow your coffee.

Vinay Gupta

 

            Wisdom is chasing you but you are faster.
 
Nigerian proverb 

Like our planet, sloths are actually moving extremely fast all the time, so fast that it seems like they’re not moving at all. We are wrong about sloths; they’re quick and fast. Science will prove this one day.

Michael Kleber-Diggs
 

The fact that people seem happy enough to cite heat as a number of degrees is surely a sign of what Adorno called reification, by which he meant the habitual response in modern culture to abstract and then quantify even lived experience as though it were money. If you do this long enough, the abstraction comes alive and seems self empowered like a person or a god. 

Michael Taussig

 

three more quotes I saved years ago

To know one drop is the first step to know the boundless ocean

Światosław Wojtkowiak

 

 There are two types of women – those who like chocolates and complete bitches.

Dawn French

 

 And what is empty turns its face to us and whispers: 'I am not empty, I am open.

Tomas Tranströmer 

 

The link between the first and the third quote I had saved way back in 2014, is of course chocolate and the lamentable fact that I haven't been able to digest any, not even the tiniest crumb, without painful side effects. Like the fool Iam, and also because I am not a complete bitch, I do nibble the occasional bit - the man has a vast supply - and pay the price and I tell myself, I am open, the ocean of colic is boundless.

patient wait

Things are rough right now, waiting for the next call. I cannot remember when I had the last proper meal. I push myself through my daily schedules, determined to not let this condition allow me to shrink and hide. Soon, R reassures me, soon you will feel better. An elderly woman with a chronic condition has to make way for emergencies, I understand, I smile and nod and act the patient. Also, more tests to keep everybody busy. The old kidney scare resurfaces and I tell the junior radiologist that it's nothing, read the notes from years back. In the end, he thanks me for giving him this learning opportunity.

I do stuff, I walk and I cycle, I visit the library, galleries, parks, gardens, I sit in cafes with a cup of something, I smile and talk to people, visitors, friends, family. Early morning, I walk through the garden, inspect the courgettes and the sugar peas and the lettuce and tomatoes and so much more. I pick strawberries I cannot eat but admire their beautiful shape and colour. We are waiting for rain that will not come. In the evening, we watch mice eating the bean seedlings. I put out flat dishes of water around the garden, R sets traps.

I try to remain attentive, aware and mindful, that magical word, in between distraction. I am tidying up my blog, all these quotes I collected. In 2014, I saved this one. 

Solitude is a description of a fact: you are on your own. Loneliness is a negative emotional response to it. People think they will be lonely and that is the problem – the expectation is also now a cultural assumption.

Sara Maitland

hello May

 

 

 

 . . .  and my point is, there is always something. I think as a species we have a desire to believe that we are living at the climax of the story. It's a kind of narcissism. We want to believe that we are uniquely important, that we're living at the end of history, that now, after all these millinia of false alarms, now is finally the worst that it's ever been, that finally we have reached the end of the world.

 

Emily St. John Mandel, Sea of Tranquility 

The weather last week was beautiful, sunny, the kind of not-too-hot warm air that makes me want to spend all day outside. Which is what I did more or less. That and three mornings on the ongoing diagnosis trail which culminated in an endoscopic sonography exam, a most pleasant experience as I was knocked out by propofol. And now I am waiting for the verdict. I must say that everybody has been very nice and pleasant and professional and informative about the usual caveats and risk factors. But seriously, I am so tired of it by now and my face is hurting from smiling and looking upbeat and friendly all the fucking time. Thank goodness, it's May at least.