29 March 2010

back and forth?

I wonder. But no, something must be changing, I mean: something surely is changing, I am changing. Tiny baby steps, minute little shifts, something, for the love of whatever, change!

The last 10 or so days I felt I was getting worse. Was I? Am I? What is worse? Is worse just not getting better? Is worse my impatience, my panic, my fear, my too much listening to my symptoms? Or is it an actual physical sensation?
No, yes, it is the latter. The roaring, the pressure, the shivers, the aching ear, the hot red face... And UJ's mail about her experience with eerily similar symptoms. And other patients urging me in the past to carefully monitor my symptoms and to voice my concerns to the professionals at all times.
So today I faced my concerned and confused GP and phoned Dr. B who swiftly reset my drugs to a higher dose, just like that over the phone as in "let's try this out". And whoosh I am back to a higher dose with instructions on a much slower reduction procedure.

Last week I went to the shrink. Middle aged woman, a bit plump, nothing as grand or posh as Mrs S and no dramatic interior design scheme, no echo, no stukko ceiling, no big mirror. I felt pity, confused pity coming from her towards me. I hope I was wrong. She said very little, asked in the end whether I think I want to come again. Felt a bit as if she was hoping I would say no. But I must give her a try.

I want to rediscover my dignity. My graceful soul, my love of life, of living. I want to get through my day without fear again. I want to face the challenge. How?

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