almost autumn

There was so much rain this week! In August, high summer. Today feels like autumn even with the lush garden smelling of wet lawn and compost. Another batch of delphinium ready to flower and the greenhouse full of ripe tomatoes.

I must steady my mind, go easy on my fears. Thinking of another long dark winter being ill is so dreadful. I am pushing away this thought and yet it sits there inside my bones and my brain cells ready to jump and shout. I move through the days counting the hours that pass, congratulating myself when I managed to make it through another day without too much sadness and self pity.

I just deleted a long whine about my miserable attempt to try and work for an hour in my office, sneaking in last Sunday while no one was around.

My concept of a working life has to be totally redesigned. No idea how. I am so mad. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this train wreck.

But I have made steady progress on my bicycle, doing 7 km now on a stretch along the river, gently, slowly, but what bliss. Today R made me this gift: He drove me and bicyle up to the hills and I cycled all the way down through the forest with tears running down my face, shouting with joy. If all things fail, let me do this once a week at least.