31 August 2010

trying to climb up again

I had the most wonderful half week since last Thur because with the banjaxed MTX shot last Wed there was no nausea at all. I mean NO NAUSEA and thus no need for drugs to counteract nausea so no wobbly legs from that either. I had a clearer head and was feeling better alltogether, cycling every day and even cleaning the kitchen cupboards.
Bliss. Memories.

And when K slowed me down yesterday in his surgery suggesting (i.e. no!) I wait until at least the end of Oct before attempting any regular work in my office - even if only 1-2 hours/day - I did not flinch but took off on my bicycle, got myself a fat newspaper and sat down in a café to read.
Back home I had the shortest of rests and started on some serious desk work, i.e. moving my head up and down and around and taking notes and so on and slap bang I was back down in that dark corner with the roaring head and the lot.

When R got home my face was beetroot red and I was shaking with fury and disappointment. He kindly guessed it may be a shortage of MTX what with the messed up shot and we both reassured ourselves that this was just another little slip on the big road to recovery. Ignorant fools that we are.

So today my friend nausea is back. Fear is humming around my head.

Let's face it again and again:This is the shape of things to come. I am chronically ill. This is my life now. ACCEPT these symptoms and stop feeling miserable.

Behind the hardness there is fear
And if you touch the heart of the fear
You find sadness (it sort of gets more and more tender)
And if you touch the sadness
You find the vast blue sky.

(Rick Fields)

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