24 September 2010

what is it with me

Here I am in my nice and comfortable home, with R's beautiful garden in late summer colours to admire (even in the rain), my bicycle ready for a short spin (which I can manage most days), the river just down the road, a full fridge and larder, comprehensive health insurance and sympathetic doctors, no one to put pressure on me, no demands, no threats, no dramatic financial worries...
Today:a long and lovely chat with my wonderful daughter across date lines, oceans and continents, a short, careful and slow trip to the library with a coffee to go and fresh brioche, my man at home early ready for a leisurely weekend, the cat looking at me waiting for her dinner, the rain almost finished...and all this with my constant companions nausea and vertigo and my dodgy ears... Reasons to be cheerful?

I am ready to freak out!
When I walk through the garden I imagine the long cold winter ahead,
when I am in my kitchen, my roaring head competes with the humming of the fridge,
when I slowly cycle down to the river I think of all the long cycle trips I can no longer do,
when I sit at my desk or anywhere with the laptop, I try not to miss my office and my job...
when I move through our comfortable home I want to throw out all these cosy sofas and beds and chairs and rugs - I am so sick of needing rest!

How much I want to snap out of this!
Concentrate on what I CAN do instead of all the things that are not possible.
Why is this so very hard to do?

I feel so undignified in my despair, so weak and pityful.
So far far away from the woman I was/want to be.

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