Things are rough right now, waiting for the next call. I cannot remember when I had the last proper meal. I push myself through my daily schedules, determined to not let this condition allow me to shrink and hide. Soon, R reassures me, soon you will feel better. An elderly woman with a chronic condition has to make way for emergencies, I understand, I smile and nod and act the patient. Also, more tests to keep everybody busy. The old kidney scare resurfaces and I tell the junior radiologist that it's nothing, read the notes from years back. In the end, he thanks me for giving him this learning opportunity.
I do stuff, I walk and I cycle, I visit the library, galleries, parks, gardens, I sit in cafes with a cup of something, I smile and talk to people, visitors, friends, family. Early morning, I walk through the garden, inspect the courgettes and the sugar peas and the lettuce and tomatoes and so much more. I pick strawberries I cannot eat but admire their beautiful shape and colour. We are waiting for rain that will not come. In the evening, we watch mice eating the bean seedlings. I put out flat dishes of water around the garden, R sets traps.
I try to remain attentive, aware and mindful, that magical word, in between distraction. I am tidying up my blog, all these quotes I collected. In 2014, I saved this one.
Solitude is a description of a fact: you are on your own. Loneliness is a negative emotional response to it. People think they will be lonely and that is the problem – the expectation is also now a cultural assumption.
I'm so sorry sweetie. Life should not be so hard, and yet it can be. Sending hugs and love.
ReplyDeleteI do like that quote. I am rarely lonely and I do like being alone in solitude.
ReplyDeleteI do not like the fact that you are still waiting. I think what you've gone through and are going through currently would try the patience of the Buddha.
Sending love as always. Why not?
ReplyDeleteStill, you notice more and appreciate beauty better than most.
ReplyDelete