19 September 2015

The other day we stood and looked out into the rainy garden.
We looked out in silence and autumn started to sneak in, right there before our eyes. The way it looks when you squint and try to block out the green and lush bits. It felt like one massive sigh.

Later, on my way through the traffic I almost cried. There was a sad song on the radio. It rained. Suddenly, this wave of self pity washed over me and I almost shouted, I was so angry. Give me one day without symptoms, you shitty universe.

Back home, I walked into the kitchen and R stood there, frozen. I just heard live 
footage from the Hungarian border and there was this piercing cry from a baby. They are using tear gas against babies. We just stare at each other.

At night, I am holding a child, a sleeping toddler in my arms. That smell, so close, so soft. I try and keep very still, I know she will disappear when I move and wake up.
In the morning R tells me that in his dream he was holding S in his arms, a tiny S, crying and tired, until she fell asleep.


7 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

The cello. It can say all those things we feel. And right now, there is too much to feel.

am said...

Listening. Feeling. Remembering the quote about hope and human beings and survival.

Ellena said...

Extreme sadness can be so very soothing when expressed with music.

37paddington said...

I am glad you have each other to say these things to.

Anonymous said...

Sad music is so right for these times we are living in.

Anonymous said...

Sad music is so right for these times we are living in.

nan said...

heart-achingly beautiful music to go along with the poignant dreams and the internalization of suffering. Sigh.