This morning I had an argument with my father who admonished me for being too emotional as usual and warned me that I was heading for a miserable old age unless I start using my scientific brain. He put down the phone before I could tell him that I was never good at science and that he most likely is mixing me up with someone else.
I should mention that I don't think I was emotional at all. I may have said stupid things like, it has been a dreadfully rainy month and how strange it's almost midsummer, or, did you see the beautiful moon rising last night.
Number one, he replied, rain in June is normal due to the returning westerly winds from the cold Atlantic ocean reaching the warmer continental landmass. Of course, I should have remembered. I mean, everybody is aware of such simple meteorological scenarios. Everybody but me.
Number two, and this with considerably more impatience in his voice, the moon does not rise. The earth turns. And in an instant I am back somewhere around age 12 or 14, standing on a sandy dune watching the sun setting into the sea - or possibly feeling the earth turning under my bare feet - while my father disgusted with our ignorance and overbearing family life in this small Danish beach house in general, gives us the basic run down of the earth's rotation and solar time.
Sometimes I think both my parents would have been brilliant individuals, if only they could have been spared marriage, family life and their three disappointing children.
I didn't tell him why I am emotional. Not a word about the renewed sick cert and the sluggish days watching French crime series, twisting my back from boredom into painful sciatica and the lab tests from hell. I didn't tell him about the way the earth moved for me when once again I attempted - probably due to my lack of a scientific brain - to accept this as it is and at least in theory, decided to take things as the come - even if that involves crawling on all fours.
9 comments:
Ouch!
Talking about 'not being seen or heard'... My heart aches for you. For both reasons.
Your father is not exactly a fount of comfort, is he?
To hell with that. You are who you are and you are amazing.
It's so sad that your father lacks any compassion whatsoever. He's right about the earth, sun, and moon, but who cares about such arrogant observations? We still call it a moon rise, sunrise, and sunset. It may be earth-centric, but only when I'm singing, Carole King, can I ever feel the earth move under my feet. It was a beautiful moon rise last night.
Another bit of synchronicity with you. In the past few days I dreamed that my former husband did the same thing to me when I made an innocent comment that couldn't have been more neutral and non confrontational. In my dream, his head grew huge and his face contorted as he raged at me. I was baffled. If I could change the dream, I would crawl away on all fours to a safer place. The dream imagery clearly came from my childhood. The angry irrational one would be my mother. The other angry irrational one would be my father, after my mother died. There is a safer place. Thank goodness!
Sending love to you, Sabine.
Parents can be difficult and they are not always right. Keep on being true to yourself.
Big, big sigh. The sigh is one of sympathy and real empathy and commiseration and understanding. Big sigh again.
He may be a brilliant scientist but as far as emotional intelligence (at which he would snort in derision I'm sure) goes he scores an F minus! I've had close encounters with a few of his fellows but not, thank God, my dad. Sympathy and a virtual hug from someone as "emotional" as you.....
He does not know your poet's heart and it is his great, great loss.
It sounds like your father has no appreciation for poetic license -- to say the least. :)
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