30 December 2016

Calling Dr Clooney

I call this raw pain. I was warned that it may be severe after today's final attempt if conservative therapy. Strong the doctor said. The literal translation of the German stark can mean severe or strong. I wonder if google translate knows the difference.

But strong means strength and this
pain makes me weak. During the days I could concentrate on all the various tests and treatments and visitors and hospital routines. At night I have exhausted the repertoire of painkillers the nurses are permitted to administer - bar opiates which I just declined again. And worse, no drip tonight. My last remaining venous access on my black and blue arms and hands collapsed this afternoon, while my left leg was still pain free and paralysed after the early morning injection into my spine.

I spent a giddy afternoon showing off the dead weight of a painfree leg to my visitors. I should have used my time better, should have slept while the pain slept.

Another night to wait, wade through all my tools and skills of distraction and concentration. Slow breathing and humming. A damp cloth to wipe over my face and hands. I would love to sit under a cool shower except - the risks, the rules. It is 2:43 am after all, at the trauma surgery ward. I have the room all to myself.

Calling on memories of floating in a volcanic crater lake, deepest black water carrying my body while my eyes follow the course of sharp white clouds in the summer sky above.

Remembering family xmas days and Sunday afternoons picking raspberries and walking along the east pier on a windy evening.

While the pain, a knife, a snake, a hot stream of molten lead runs from my spine into my toes.
And I recall the MRI printouts they showed me two days ago.
See that dark area, they said. We take it out if all of this doesn't work. Early next week.
Four more nights. Five maybe.


  1. This sounds unbearable. I wish that I could send you relief, the sound of the waves I am listening to as I write this.
    I wish.

  2. Sending love to you, Sabine, as you call on your memories and look out at those trees and wait for relief.

  3. And I thought I had problems. I admire the courage that shines through all your pain. Wishing that it will ease up and give you some peace.

  4. Such a long night this must be. And yet you make poetry of it. The raw pain. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

  5. O, dammit. Hugs and hugs, you.

  6. I am thinking of you. I wish this pain and suffering would go away. It sounds like a horror.

  7. Oh Sabine, I was so wishing that you had found relief. I am blown away by what you endure with your stunning calm inner strength. Thinking of you and sending you best wishes.

  8. Thank God you have such beautiful memories.

    I wish I could do something to help you, but I know the only thing I can do is pray and hope and care. All of which I do, very much, Sabine.

  9. I wish you a period of numbness and quiet. Then a load of progress to resolving this. Therapy, electrostim, acupuncture, traction, steroid injections, anything else anyone can think of. Distraction and kindness, too.