17 December 2016

The hard task of regaining balance.
I should know this, I have been here so often. But it hits me in the gut every time again and while these tiny little spirals in my inner ears are healing from whatever is attacking them, I am struggling with all the other balances in my mind and heart to recover some form of calm, while high dose cortisone is spinning my emotions to those weird levels of freakishness I would otherwise find ridiculous (in myself).
It's all down to hope, because this is so fishy. I have no clear symptoms other than waves of vertigo and/or hearing loss every other day, I am sleepy and exhausted but the rest of me is supposedly healthy. Medically speaking. So again, I rely on the niggling feelings of doubt and benevolence that medical experts express, those who have seen me better not too long ago and can compare. And have done their homework, i.e. reading about autoimmune inner ear events (rare but that's not my fault). I almost cheered when I sneezed out the first clot of blood, a little tadpole, from my cemented sinuses last night. A first picture book symptom!
In my Living Will I have stipulated that after my death I wish to donate my cochleas to medical research and should nobody be interested, which is highly likely, I want them made into the most perfect earrings for my daughter to wear. A cochlea is a beautiful thing. It's a pity I won't be around to see what my pair looks like.
Then there is seasickness.  My old companion. A childhood of puking in the car, sitting in the back, three kids sharp elbow to sharp elbow, my mother chain-smoking in the front and never an open window for fear of catching a cold. On every family holiday, a motorway restroom where my mother washes my face, changes my clothes, muttering curses under her breath. Gagging on dramamine while my sister licks her ice cream.
Ginger, acupuncture wristbands, eyes like saucers from cinnarizine, I have been there and done it.  On our first trip with a six months old S, as a drug-free breastfeeding  mother, I sat outside at the back of the ferry for the entire 30 hours, staring at the horizon, willing time to move faster. In the morning just before we arrived, a steward came up to me. There had been complaints. Was I drunk?
It's not always that bad, I am ok when I can drive myself. Of course, cycling works like a dream.
This is my third week of constant seasickness, a new record.


  1. No fair! (about the ice cream.)I hope everything will calm down so you can enjoy Christmas. Exercise is so good for most things that ail us...Those will be very unique ear rings!

  2. As with almost everything related to the body, we have no idea how important all the systems are until they don't work properly. We take so much for granted.
    May things get better soon, dear.

  3. So sorry. I hate to think how hard it is for you to try and function with constant motion sickness. Your description of sitting in the back of the ferry willing time to move faster is a perfect description. I hope you feel better soon.

  4. I just googled "cochlea" to see how beautiful the earrings for "S" will be. Wow! It made me think of our evolution how we came from the sea, how much like a some kind of sea snail it looks. Our bodies hold incredible secrets. I hope your balance is restored, Sabine, and you feel steady and whole and healthy. Please take care there.

  5. I am so very sorry that you are experiencing such symptoms, Sabine. I am very grateful, though, that your beautiful mind works so well.
    I hope this goes away soon. My best to you.

  6. Third week...
    Oh my dear, I cannot imagine. I have only the ferry from Rotterdam to Harwich to compare. It was then that I found out people (me) actually can go green.
    I'm so sorry, I'm amazed how balanced you still are and wish you calms oceans of mind.

  7. Have they shown you the Brandt-Daroff Exercises /positions? May not be right for your diagnosis, but might be worth a try?


    1. Thanks. I always do this first or any of the others (Eppley, bbq roll etc.) for a couple of days. Sometimes it hits the spot or maybe serves as distraction until things settle. No luck his time. Hence the 3 day steroid shit.

    2. Sorry the simple solution isn't the right one. I'd rather assumed you'd tried this, but being a nurse... well, you know, had to ask.

    3. And I am really grateful for thinking along the lines you did.