09 March 2017

Dear universe,

I feel so ashamed for having been such a moaner recently. Every morning, I wake up with the best intentions and by midday, I have lost the plot, again. Let me assure you, I do know that there is much going on and yes, I could, should concentrate on the bigger picture. You deserve better from me, much is at stake. I don't quite understand why it is a struggle right now for me but there, I admit it.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, after all, the evening sky was magnificent, all these towering clouds after the rain storm.  

But please, I want to have more courage, trust, and oh, dignity. Let me figure out how to be a decent human being again. A woman not afraid of changes and ageing and illness, but someone with the confidence that her body knows how to cope and recover. Allow me to face my fears, to stop cowering and pretending that by not looking at them - square in the face, so to speak - they will disappear. 
(Still, reading The Great Gatsby again in one go last night was a wonderful distraction. Thank you.)

Also, while I have your attention, let me find my place again, you know what I mean. My place in this chaotic world.

I promise to try my best from now on. So please, would you nudge me in the right direction? 

Thank you.
the stranded beetle

PS: The grape hyacinths are lovely this year. Well done.



  1. Beautiful letter.

    In my experience, we do have a mysterious intimate relationship with the universe. A relationship where it is safe to be honest in every way and to ask for clarity.

    Hear is what I just listened to from Sean Lennon about "The Conscious Universe":



    I wish you could see the pair of Wood Ducks that I saw in Scudder Pond while out walking this morning. Yes. Well done. And the squirrels! And Paula. And. And. And. Grape hyacinths.

  2. you have not been a moaner recently, not at all. i find you brave and true.

  3. I was going to say exactly what Angela said. Sometimes it is simply time to tend to ourselves. There is no reason to apologize for that!

  4. Dear Stranded Beetle,
    Everyone's entitled to a little moan now and then. In spite of all the problems you have to moan about, you always manage to recognise that there is a brighter side to everything and you keep fighting towards it. The bright side to the end of winter is the arrival of those hyacinths. That bicycle is also waiting for you. Everyone who comes here is inspired by your courage.....

  5. You will find your place again.

  6. I say this because I care for you.

    I don't consider it moaning. We are benevolently allowed all our feelings for as long as we need them. No one has the right to judge us, really, not even ourselves. Had I been going through all the things that you have, would you think me moaning if my words were the same. You would not judge me, you would have compassion for me and offer it freely, because you are a wonderful and loving woman. Sometimes we don't allow ourselves the grace that we give to others, that is much harder than changing our feelings. So these will change and the new feelings will be no less worthy and honorable.

    Your friend, Liv

  7. Sending a nudge with love from this one small part of the universe to your heart.

  8. I miss those little spring flowers. You may be trying to do too much. I am being badly spoiled now, and I can't say I mind that!

  9. I never, ever think that you're moaning. Not at all.

    I'm glad you're seeing the beauty of the grape hyacinths and enjoying Fitzgerald! Our grape hyacinths haven't had a single bloom yet. It seems very weird.

  10. Being in pain focuses one's attention acutely. The world will toddle along without you for a while yet. The rest of us will attend and fight for now, ok? You heal up and find your way. Maybe send us an odd bit of beauty now and then, though?

  11. Can be healthy to attend to matters other than the rest of the world. You certainly are in good company doing so. Lovely to focus on the oncoming spring.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Couldn't resist checking out what you're up to. Sounds like you're experiencing some of life's challenges. I have some sense of how wearing back pain can be since my husband experienced that 24/7 -- affected his mood, disposition with some days better than others -- but he had other medical issues, also. I gather you're involved in rehab and do hope this is proving to be beneficial. An acquaintances husband did have back surgery some years ago and ultimately became quite mobile, so I wish you well. Patience and perseverance help.