26 May 2017

A hot day. Let's call it summer. The wisteria has finally recovered, busy new growth has almost completely overtaken the frost damage. All of the roses are in bloom, the first veg are harvested. I am married to a gardener.

The sun was not yet up, and the lawn was speckled with daisies that were fast asleep. There was dew everywhere. The grass below my window, the hedge around it, the rusty paling wire beyond that, and the big outer field were each touched with a delicate, wandering mist. And the leaves and the trees were bathed in the mist, and the trees looked unreal, like trees in a dream. Around the forget-me-knots that sprouted out of the side of the hedge were haloes of water. Water that glistened like silver. It was quiet, it was perfectly still. There was smoke rising from the blue mountains in the distance. It would be a hot day.
Edna O'Brien (The Country Girls)

The past couple of days have been filled with sheer exhaustion and huge portions of the day I just spend sleeping or dozing. I try to not think why this is so.
And yet, I am so restless.
I hear my mother's voice somewhere from deep inside of me, her disgust with my lack of dedication, the way I just do nothing, letting myself go. In an attempt to shut her up, and like the good daughter I was I am not watching tv before sunset. She would certainly also disapprove of my laptop even if I showed her that I mostly work and read on it. Proper literature, serious news media and all.

In brief moments of absurd clarity I realise that I am no longer the person who needs to be afraid of her judgement. It's only a memory. 


Ms. Moon said...

I have a hard time with that one too.

liv said...

I just finished reading Edna O'Brien's autobiography. What a woman she was! Looking forward to reading The Country Girls.

Isn't interesting how many of us had that same dynamic with our mothers. I wish it wasn't so.

Anonymous said...

This post reminded me of a song called Wisteria by Richard Shindell. He has such a soulful voice. Life is so often filled with evocative memories that pull our souls.

A Cuban In London said...

Heat does that to you. :-)

Greetings from London.

37paddington said...

I understand the inertia mixed with restlessness, especially when it's hot out, and the sun itself is judging you. rainy days are easier. do you sit in your beautiful garden sometimes, gazing up at the sky? i wish i could sit there next to you, being quiet together, understanding everything without words.

Colette said...

Walk on by.

Hattie said...

A good therapist broke that hold that my mother had over me. I don't really know how she did it.

Steve Reed said...

It's interesting how some old voices never go away.