A genuine warrior has a lot of resources within herself, resources that are always there. Although you feel that you’ve run out of ideas, you’re not really running out of anything. You’re being attacked by your own cowardice. You can go beyond that and find further resources within yourself. Banks and banks of inspiration unfold constantly.
Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche
Oh how much I want to be a warrior right now. Just for a short while. I'll settle for tonight, a glimpse of these endlessly unfolding resources, let me pummel that cowardice until there is hardly anything left.
This morning after another hectic night of catching whatever sleep I could in this mad circus of fever flares and shivers and a couple of other symptoms that I should know so well (but which take me by surprise every fucking time), with the first commuter noises from my neighbours and one surprisingly gentle bird call, I tried to settle to the calm voice of Jon Kabat Zinn asking me to establish myself in a posture that allows me a mountain-like dignity.
It was lovely. I almost fell for it but the rough end of my self pity and the prospect of yet another diagnosis looming on the horizon won the day. For now. I am working on it.
 |
| early October forest |
If you are not a warrior, then are are none.
ReplyDeleteof course, I meant, If you are not a warrior, then there are none.
DeleteDear Colette, thank you, I knew what you meant.
DeleteAy-yi. I do not like this news.
ReplyDeleteBut I sure as hell admire you for trying, every day, to rise above. You are one of my teachers. I hope you know that.
What they said....
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with you -- sat nam.
ReplyDeleteYou are most definitely a warrior. Cowardice is absolutely the last word in the dictionaries of the world that could be used to describe you. Take care, my warrior friend. Sometime, I should tell you a few stories about Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.
ReplyDeleteI hope whatever is looming, your mountainous nature rises above it with strength and dignity!
ReplyDeleteyou inspire me, your warrior-ness, your trying again, rising above, again. i hope the new diagnosis is as gentle as that bird call. thank you for that reminder about inspiration. banks and banks of it. i needed that today. love to you, dear sabine.
ReplyDeleteI've been gone for so long, but I think of you and I am glad to be here today and hear that same voice of Sabine's. Strong and wise and present. And I am very glad that your hold on to it, just like you always have. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteCan self-pity be useful, even creative? It depends on how much detachment and objectivity one can bring to the party.
ReplyDeletewe continue because what else is there to do? reside in mountain like dignity or succumb to self pity or waver in a multitude of in betweens, we continue.
ReplyDeleteBut the courage is there! You have it. I know those nights, though they are better now than they were for a while. And there are times when I am filled with bliss and I don't even know why.
ReplyDelete