"There must be terrible loneliness in that failure to perceive or value the humanity of others, the failure of empathy and imagination, to consider oneself the only person who matters. Caring about others, empathising, loving them, liberates each of us; these bereft figures seem to be prisoners of their selfishness before they are punishers of others."
Rebecca Solnit (read the full article if you have the time)
In one of these complicated discussions with several (wonderful and much adored) men I know about misogyny and why and how and are women to blame and how come and do you think your teenage daughter is less safe on the streets at night than your teenage son (in a small university town in Europe) and if so, why, and why should women watch how they dress and talk and behave while men etc. etc. there came the inevitable (male) moan, Oh stop, I can't be bothered anymore, I don't want to know, it's not my problem. I am neither a predator nor a misogynist.
Silence.
I would have thought that was the case generally in Europe, until New Year's Eve in Cologne a couple of years ago when the idealism of women being safe in most European cities went so horribly wrong.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in Germany, worked and studied all over Europe and have *never* felt safe. It has nothing to do with idealism, it's the same the world over. As a student in the 1970s/80s I enthusiastically participated in claim back the night campaigns etc. but by the time my own daughter walked out on her own, I had to admit that absolutely nothing has changed.
DeleteThe events in Cologne were exacerbated by a variety of reasons but esp. by the presence of groups of North African men (almost none of them refugees) and the media, esp. foreign media, loves this issue to bits.
I have been to New Year's celebrations in Cologne, Hamburg and Munich many times prior to the arrival of refugees and sexual harassment was part and parcel of moving in the crowds back then as well. The same applies to any large event such as the Oktoberfest, Rhineland carnival and any local beer festival.
In my life starting at age 6, I have been molested in various ways by men on public transport, at a school gate, during a job interview (in Dublin), at a trade union conference, several music festivals, in the security queue at Gatwick airport and several other places - because?
*head in hands* ... I suppose he thinks the furore in Hollywood at the moment is nothing to do with entrenched misogyny ... oh well, back to the barricades, sisters!
ReplyDeleteI wonder if we humans will ever rid ourselves of either racism or misogyny. On my best, most loving and tender days I think that yes, perhaps, someday.
ReplyDeleteOn my worst, saddest and least optimistic days I think that no, we never will.
and that is exactly why misogyny is still a problem. too many men just can't be bothered. moving through a Mardi Gras crowd women can count of being groped.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I used to argue about this. He felt it was sexist to give our son and our daughter different rules of the road. I insisted it was merely realistic, the world would not treat them the same, and it was important for our daughter to be safe despite being vulnerable to predatory men. All the women we both knew backed me up vociferously, and so he was convinced. My daughter is under no illusions. Neither is my son.
ReplyDeleteI have been sexually assaulted by strangers and by employers, molested by men who didn't understand the word "NO." There is a privileged predatory nature that some men just can't seem to civilize or contain. I sat in a witness chair in a courtroom in Los Angeles County, and described in detail the sexual assault by a stranger. It was a hung jury. That was back in 1971. Things won't change. Big wars and small wars. Things won't change.
ReplyDeleteToo true! I had a man once ask me why women were so "manipulative." I told him it was because we weren't big enough to beat men up. We had to develop our minds instead. I would much rather beat a man up if he tried to assault me. But I can't. And for every man who is not a predator or a misogynist there are 5 who are. (Robin, if I could beat a man up, the first one I'd start with is the man who hurt you! Hoping for that special place in hell for him...)
ReplyDeleteColette-- Thank you for that. I'm sure he's in hell already. I like your perspective very much.
Deletehttps://www.villagevoice.com/2017/10/12/almost-every-single-woman-i-know-has-been-the-victim-of-sexual-assault/
ReplyDeleteThanks, so true.
DeleteNo, men don't understand. Women are seen as prey which sounds like an exaggeration but I think it's true. I think it's also why so many men are uncomfortable around gay men, they are not used to being seen as prey, not that gay men prey on straight men but rather that straight men realize that they are being looked at in a different way. Just my theory anyway.
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I'm post menopausal I find I have become invisible which I quite like. There is no more being looked at in a sexual way. I am no longer an object. I like it.
Yes to both of it.
DeleteI also think there is a racist element. When we had the events at new year's eve where non-white. non-European and non-German men were involved, the angry reactions from the (ultra-)right men here often implied, how dare they rape our prey.