23 February 2010

another month of helter skelter

Life has shrunk and yet has become so enormous, too much to bear or even think about, at times then again simple tiny short minutes of bliss and calm - and whoosh thrown back into this whirlpool of panic and fear and fury and why me why me why now what next and on and on and on.
Coping strategies, I am hard at work with coping strategies. I have spent almost four weeks now learning coping strategies. Coping with side effects of medications, with symptoms, with fear, with boredom (yes, boredom, it comes with not being fit enough to move about most of the time), with loneliness, with loss, with mourning for my old self. Slowly working out daily patterns to ensure regular food intake (not easy), regular rest, regular exercise, attention to the various disaster zones in my body through exercises I have learnt in the last 4 weeks - and unlearn in a moment of panic. So much doubt, so much to do and cope with. Such a lot of  detail required, such fuss and how I hate having to rest. Fuck rest.
Facts: I am going through a heavy flare up of what is called autoimmune vasculitis. My symptoms are apparently all well in line of what can be expected. A flare up may take its time, typically up to 12 months. In other words: ONE YEAR. So where do I start counting from? No, don't start counting. No.No.
One day, look back and count and say: Hah! I have done time.
Another fact (?? still not convinced): Even with such a heavy flare as then one that has come over me recovery is quite certain and doctors tell me of patients who are leading normal lives. Afterwards .Wow,  normal life. I love normal life, boring normal life when a trip to the corner shop is just a trip to the corner shop and not a carefully planned excursion in your carefully planned schedule of rest and exercise.

No comments: