and on and on

Well, the roaring has come back and the vertigo has more or less disappeared. Some deal. And, they wanted me out of that clinic fast. Once the print outs from the diagnosis showed acute vertigo, it was only a small choice between what university clinic I was sent to. By the time I arrived at the one closest to home, vertigo had calmed down and they sent me home. And so here I am.
The last four weeks at the specialist clinic were useful but also much too stressful. Too active, not enough rest. Autoimmune vasculitis is a battle, immunsupression and the side effects from the drugs is a tough job for the system. At least I know that now.
So I am back at home, alone with the cats, books, internet and my panic stations. But also with my coping strategies and in the evening, my man comes home to me. Spent most of the day flat out or in front of laptop.
GP K was brisk, almost pushed me out of his office, was somewhat offended when I asked whether he was prepared to keep me as his patient. Maybe I imagine things but he seems to disagree with the treatment? I have no choice and he can stuff it. I need him to do the labs, to get me the medication and the sick certs.
Tried to get an appointment with a local immunologist. Not until end of May...
Well, I am not an emergency. I suffer, yes, but I get the state of the art drugs and that is all modern medicine has to offer here. There is no quick fix, no relief. A long hard slow battle with heavy symptoms, with my panic and fears, my long nights and long days of exhaustion and maybe one day the promised improvement? I cannot afford not to believe it. Medical experts tell me, told me, that my chances of recovery, of remission are good. Some even said: you will recover. I try to carefully reach out to some fellow sufferers but the minefield of negative and upsetting internet sharing is too much to cope. I must be my own island, must relearn to find sanctuary in my own strength.
Symptoms of the day: heart racing, pressure in chest, somewhat better after evening meal, pressure headache in the evening, bell jar feeling, little vertigo, roaring slight am worsening pm. EXHAUSTED.