05 March 2010

sneaking home from hospital

In the end GP felt it necessary to have my irregular ECG readings double checked and since I have been very shaky with palpitations and shortness of breath this last week, he arranged for me to go this morning to the MH. Everybody was nice but it was such a wasted day and the prospect of waiting in this room with two very ill women there until Monday was too much. At dinner time (which comes early in hospital) I signed myself out to return on Sun evening as the actual tests are not due until Mon. Of course I am nervous but the ward doctor was very unconcerned and said there was nothing alarming in the bits they did today (ECG and blood tests) and the three careful student interns who examined me heard a strong and regular heartbeat.

This last week I have been so weak and shaky and what with the palpitations, the waking up at night gasping for air, the fact that there is almost no roaring and no symptoms after a good night's rest - i.e. moving makes it all worse - I am even more insecure and this I-am-like-a-raw-egg feeling is so persistent.
Yet: for the past couple of days I do feel some slight, ever so slight improvement after the eve dose of Aza. Or maybe it's my man being at home and around me. Whatever. I accept it as a gift for the time being.

Tried to concentrate on breathing whenever I felt uptight and panicky today. Tried not to do or say anything, just using breathing to calm myself. Attempted it at least.

My lower legs are numb a lot.

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